Are You There, God?

Last week I touched on joy. This week, well, quite frankly, I'm finding myself feeling frustrated.

I've reached my creative plateau. I'm throwing in the towel. Saying farewell. Okay, not really, but that's how I feel. I've put in some time being absorbed, and now I have these completely absurd thoughts creeping in.

Is that you, God, or am I crazy? Either could be true at this point.

Ever been called to something you don't feel qualified for? Let's rephrase. Ever thought, that sounds good in theory? That's where I'm at.

Here's the truth. I have busted my ass for nearly 50 years, yup, read that right. I am tired, and I should be on the beach right now living my best life, listening to "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley, staring out into the Caribbean Sea with not a care in the world.

I'm definitely angry at God right now. Why am I still in survival mode? I know I can get through it. I don't want to have to just get through. I'm back to the little girl in me who is rebellious because I'm not feeling heard. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. (Nicole.)

I'm praying. I'm holding on to the faith I have always known, even as hard as it is to muster up the strength some days.

I have always made it a point to resist the comparison urge, especially since my life is by no means a reflection of anyone else's, and this has been a clear truth for me for a very long time. Nonetheless, what begins to happen is I start measuring myself against my own timeline, where I'm striving to be for my daughters and my grandson. They are always in my thoughts and reflected in my decisions. This is my compass, and where I begin to question the timeline I can't see clearly ahead.

I'm still in a season of delay. Which also feels very oddly clear as I write through it in real time. I'm seeing the progress and the puzzle pieces coming together; the tangible evidence is where my faith has been tested the most. Thinking about how long it may take doesn't make me feel like I'm going to be okay right now, today, tomorrow.

I keep thinking about the time my therapist gently called me out in 2017 for feeling more comfortable sharing my testimony once there is a bow on it.

This is when we look for comfort in the wilderness. Where we don't have all the answers. In these moments, faith is all I've had to lean on.

This is the verse I've been pulled to more than once this week:

"But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take." Job 23:8–10a (NIV)

"This Weeks Reflection"

Are you looking for comfort in the wilderness? Where do you go when you don't feel heard?

Until next time,

Nicole Z.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash​